My business is my passion. Connecting with others is where I do my best work. My most amazing insights have come from sharing an open heart and seeing myself through the story of another person. It’s breathtaking, heartbreaking at times, and truly inspiring.
My business has taken a backseat the last several months as I have faced some personal health issues. I often forget how much our physical health can impact and impair our mental and emotional health. I have struggled with both recently. Having serious physical symptoms with no answers after countless doctors appointments is maddening. I’ve felt helpless, unmotivated, and inadequate. I’ve been too distracted to read or write. I’ve been in too much pain to even pull out my yoga mat and find comfort in the stillness of just being. I’ve been sad, lonely, angry, confused, and tired. I’ve felt lost.
A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to get away with some friends for a long weekend. It was an amazing in the woods, in a cabin, soul food kind of weekend. I craved it and feared it all at the same time. I didn’t want anyone to see that I was struggling and I wasn’t sure I could hide it. So I let it be what it was. I showed up with all of my issues and I let myself be nourished by nature and loved by friends. With each passing hour I could feel my heart opening more and more and I could feel the weight of all of my pain, fear, and self pity lifting. I left that weekend with more clarity, self-acceptance, and excitement for my work than I have had in, well, maybe ever.
I came back to find out that I have a growth on my spinal cord that is causing the numbness and weakness in my legs and making it challenging for me to get around easily. The good news: it’s benign. The bad news: surgery would be too risky. I am both pushing forward with more appointments to find treatment options and making peace with where I am at. This is my reality. I can choose to accept it and stay focused on my goals or I can let it hold me back and keep me small.
I am choosing to heal through my work. I’m choosing to be vulnerable and exposed and messy and let it all be part of what I do. What I write. It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress. I think we all are. If we wait until we feel whole and complete we may forever hide the parts of us that are meant to inspire others. We may hide the parts that need to be seen, to be heard, to be loved. I’m here now. All of me. I have a lot to say. I have a lot to do. It may be messy but it’s honest. I’m not going to hide. I’m not going to hold back. I’m going to heal.